I Was Schooled in L’s – Part 3


Excerpts on Francois from my Journal 

2017-2018

Without even trying, but due to my lack of discipline, I became a mistress. And I struggle with that. Francois didn’t tell me he was married in the beginning; but now, I know.

I try to tell myself that we’re having a good time, but that’s not true. It’s not entirely true that I’m in it for the sex either.

I’m in it for companionship. When I need a distraction, he provides an escape. He makes me feel comfortable. He puts in the effort to please my needs. I don’t know what his reasons are for needing me, but I am certain that they’re not too far off.

He’s just beginning his family – a legacy I can’t imagine, and I’m excited for him, and jealous. 

Jealous because I can no longer envision that future for myself. 

Jealous because he gets to go home every night to his wife. 

Jealous because I want a relationship that belongs to me.

I wish he wasn’t married. 

I wish that every time I fucked him, I didn’t wish I had that dick all to myself. 

I wish I knew why I was falling so hard for the penis…God…I love this man’s dick! 

I don’t even think I realized how deprived I was until he kept consistently dicking me down. He definitely has some power over me, and I hope this pussy has the same effect on him.

Nevertheless, I am thankful for Francois, and the temporary comfort he is able to provide.

This man makes me feel confident and bold! The man came into my life to show me what I was missing when it came to the sex department. He continues to inspire me…and yet…

Because he’s married, some of those text messages go unanswered, and it only makes me want to send more! Not to ease up. Clearly not the way I am supposed to be living my life.

It’s time to let go.

FIVE MONTHS LATER

Francois and I had sex after his promotion party. Instead of going home to celebrate with his wife, he paid for a motel to fuck me. 

That would be the last time I’d sleep with him.


Dear Francois,

I originally wanted to write this letter to you in November, however, I would have missed out on the wisdom that only time and experience can provide.

In November, I would have thanked you for awakening me. For being my motivator. For constantly pushing me in the right direction and supporting me. I would have given you credit for boosting my self esteem with all the illicit texts you sent that made me feel lusted after and desired. I felt like I could be soft with you. In conversations, you taught me that you understood my loss, having suffered some pretty similar ones.

Your views on relationships were different. In your mind, you believed that your wife was for the establishment of marriage and family as a business. Women like me, though? I was one of many in your rotation. You described us as friends on the side – people that you just couldn’t resist having a good time with – and then you’d go back home to your wife. I always wondered if you ever just thought about opening up to her about your lifestyle? Maybe she’d like to join in.

Sleeping with you – a married man – had me constantly performing mental  gymnastics, and I couldn’t justify my actions anymore. Especially not after your promotion party.

I thought about what it must have been like to be your wife. I heard your phone ring at least 10 times that night before I stopped counting. She was looking for you. Probably trying to figure out why you weren’t home with her and the kids. Why you weren’t fucking her to end your celebratory night.

I remained distant by ignoring your holiday, birthday, and “I’m just checking in on you, beautiful,” text messages, as they would always be followed up with sexual advances.

You upped the ante and started sending messages you knew I couldn’t resist – ones where you pretended to be the educator in need of my assistance.

It took me until March 2021 to see past the final façade – your advances that laid dormant for two years eventually resurfaced, but I finally made an exit. I told you there was nothing more for you to take from me, as there was nothing more I could ever find in a married man.

Here’s what you told me in reply:

“I hope and wish you find what you are looking for. I say that to say, in life we are all searching for something. But I hope you find that PERFECT thing for you. Dealing with you made me realize you’re a perfectionist. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but that’s what it was. When you put your head onto something, you want whatever it is to flourish, blossom, bloom, grow, elevate, and to just TAKE OFF!!!”

Thank you for teaching me that in order to reap the full benefits of my harvest, I must remove the weeds stagnating my growth. You played a significant role along my journey, and I’ll never forget you.

I wish you the best in all your endeavors.

Love Always,

Jamila

Published by Jam

I'm on a journey towards a better understanding of self through written reflections on my romantic relationships, situationships, entanglements, and complicated friendships.

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